I've figured it out. I know why now my energy has been sapped and the last few months have been so dreary, after I'd accomplished a rather blissful year.
It's because my Authentic Why is being acted on in various ways, I'm missing a crucial component. I must stay in harmony. Which means doing and acting over my own will. This means that as much as I give, there is only so much I can do before I run out of the part of myself. Now, Helping becomes my why, and I am consumed by it. I volunteer in my part time, I work for a non-profit, and yet, there is this thing I feel.
How many things in my life do I choose because I feel like I should be doing so? They are the right things to choose, to wonder. To mission for. And they are the safe promises that are made, by an American Magazine in 1950; when people had magnificent hats.
Do you know how many hats I own? And, though there is nothing I can wear them with.
These hats are the bane of my existence. They remind me of all the things I keep: material,. physical, and mentally that I don't need to. I could live out of a suitcase for a year,; I can't get rid of these hats.
I am 32 years old. I remember clearly going through this at 20; only then, I didn't notice it. At 30, the differences, the peer pressure is subtle, and you do feel it. You begin to notice the difference, like a man who doesn't trim his beard because he's lazy or fashionable (it is always one or the other).
At 20, people stare at you with loud horns on street corners, magazines, and TV: University, Marriage, Babies. You learn the polite ways to say no. Or yes, because it makes sense for you. But why cant you tell someone they are rude for asking when you're going to have kids. How is that not a taboo yet? Why can't we say no and not have it be seen as rude?
At 30 - it's the end of WW1 and trench warfare. It's more like we've graduated to Agent Orange. We move families and States for our dramas. We uproot communities. We start real trends. We brought short pants, and men's socks back. We know how to get things done. And we will poison your friendships, family life, and work atmospherics. Because we are the worst...and we have money. .
We have Beyonce. There are few humans in this world who have used their whole bodies to be creative. We have beings - so may beings who have learned how to create something original with their bodies. Before us, there was only that old time rock and roll.
We have Beyonce being someone who can sing: 7/11, Ring the Alarm, and Grown Woman. Don't forget Countdown. How is that the same person? Moreover, why can she do whatever she wants, and I'm running around looking for matching socks because I'm going to a party where I might take my shoes off?
I digress. How did many people in our generation become famous? And Mike Posner has amazing hit that is now a famous anthem breaking through that Celebrity Glass Mirror and having us asking: Even if you get rich and famous? Will you be happy? What if you are doing what you love?
So this is what I'm talking about when I say balance. It's not enough to do, do, do. You need to take care of yourself: your own mind, body, and spirit first. Your house has to be your first project. But that's not tow we are raised. We are raised to Do. and there are some people who are raised, or choose to raise themselves as be. These white women who have us thinking - these white girls can dance. You know you thought it.
So why are we still there, at a place of black and white? now with more fear. Me included. There are so many things I want to write, for fear that someone will call me racist (white girls dancing?) but I'm not racist. So here is this point - we have made the interest a place full of fear and apology. I'm afraid someone will comment something negative on my post. So I'm apologizing for it here, or one way or another.
We didn't invent trolls, we made our own culture - online culture. We could have stopped this. If our values were stronger, if we were more aware, we could understand the Internet to use it for information. Political change, support and understanding, and compassion. Education and healthy debates. That's what Facebook was about in the beginning - sharing information. Then someone started chain letters. Now the Internet is satire, meme, uplifting photo or animal and parent jokes. We are the sum of our society.
It is curious though, that as ignorant we seem to be about some things (passing a picture of a Dolphin around won't protect the environment), we keep hope. Look at the support groups,. motivational puppies with signs that they mess up, and ...honestly - how to videos. I feel so much hope after watching How To videos. They always inspire me to collect those wooden wine crates from the winery across the street. They are so pretty. I want to get some Christmas lights...
Hope is something I see in our society and I think, therefore, is a piece of me. What I hope from other people is exactly not what what I hope for myself. My hopes are not only built by myself, They are from this environment that has studied how humans respond and will act accordingly.
Here are some hopes and dreams I have for myself, and I don't know how to judge the authenticity:
I want my ass to be cellulite free
I want my hair to be the perfect shade all the time
I want to be thin
I want to not feel so heavy
I want to not worry if my clothes match
I want to be evaluated positively from someone who respects my work.
I want it to be easy to choose salad.
I want to like Salad. I feel like my life would be so much better if every time I had a choice to choose salad, I choose salad. Even when you're paying $17 for a salad. This is a rule I want to have the power to make.
I feel like I want to save the world from themselves. I want to be able to comfortably say, no. Not give a reason, but just say no. Because I'm allowed. I want to say no to many things: coffee, bread, chocolate. I want to be the person who says, no I don't drink.
I want to give up what's poisoning me before - or at least at the same time as - helping others. I recognize those who say, it is necessity.
I'd like to use my money better.
I would like to be honest.
I don't want to hide anymore.
I think that's what's been bothering me,
My older brother asked me what I had learned since I turned 30. I told him that you care less and less about what people think. Or not at all. You can pay for some conveniences to make your lifestyle easier (oil changes). But you have responsibilities and you stop dreaming about travelling Asia for a few years. You actually think that dad jokes are funny. And we do care about what people think of us: at work, online, and taking back food.
It doesn't feel right to say I want to be honest, and yet I want to hide myself for fear of what other people would say. How do I work for a company and be an artist? I could legally make a disclaimer: none of my words are the opinions of my employer or however that goes. In effect, now granting a warning - apologizing. This is a problem for many people.
This year I want to work on my will and my thoughts. But, the very first step is choosing the steps.
Slightly less confused.
Hopeful,
Stef
